What Not to Do At Hogwarts
by Le Rouge du Sang
Summary: Rules are in place for a reason. These are no different. Learn what you are not allowed to do during your stay at Hogwarts. Follows various characters through short one-shots.
1. Number 1

Title: What Not to Do At Hogwarts

Author: Le Rouge du Sang

Summary: There are certain rules in place for a reason. These are no different. Learn what you are not allowed to do during your stay at Hogwarts. Follows various characters

Rating: T, just in case I feel like swearing.

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter world is a product of the genius mind of J.K Rowling, who is, sadly, not me. The ideas for this are taken from /Demonic_angel/hogwarts [586 Things I'm Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts] Check it out. There's some pretty funny shit.

* * *

Number One:

"**I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees."**

"Sirius, what are you up to?"

"Remus, be quiet. I don't want them to see me."

"We're in the Great Hall, Padfoot. _Everyone _can see you," James was sitting at the Gryffindor table while Sirius was attempting to inch his way over to the Hufflepuff table. Remus pulled on Srius's robes in order to pull him back.

"Sirius, stop whatever you're scheming."

"Now see here, Moony. I don't scheme. I merely…formulate a plan."

"That makes it any better?"

"It makes it sound important." Sirius stuck his tongue out at Remus.

Most of the time, second year students at Hogwarts were not so mischievous, but this group of four, the Marauders , were different. They were every professor's idea of Hell.

"Except for Remus, bloody goody-two shoes," Sirius mumbled.

"What was that, Sirius?"

"Nothing. – Hey there, Hufflepuffs. What are you guys up to, nothing too crazy, I hope," Sirius sat down between two girls, putting his hands on their shoulders.

"Hello, Sirius, did you need something," the girl on his left asked, fighting back her giggles.

"Well, now that you mention it… I have been meaning to ask. Your house colours, yellow and black, correct? Does that by any chance refer to the fact that you are covered in bees?"

"W-what?"

Sirius took the spoon she held in her hand, licked the pudding clean off, pointed it at the boy across, and – poked him. Square on the forehead.

"Do. Your. House. Colours. Indicate. That. You. Are. Covered. In. Bees. Also, what the bloody hell is a Hufflepuff?"

"Hey! Look here, Black! If you just came over here with the intention to insult us, just leave!" The boy stood up, shoulders squared ready to pick a fight.

"I would, but I'm afraid you can't do much," Sirius took a spoonful of pudding, but this time flung it at the boy's face.

* * *

"Padfoot, why'd you have to drag us into the food fight?"

"Hey, I didn't bring you into anything –"

"'Oh, Professor, you see, we had a bet going, the four of us. Of who had the best idea to start a food fight,' does that ring a bell?"

"You know Moony, you somehow managed to ruin the lovely atmosphere we had here."

"In the bloody dungeons?"

"Details."

"Okay, that's it! We're going to establish some rules for how we're going to behave. Starting with you, Sirius. First rule, you are _not_ to poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, or ask whether their house colours mean they are covered in bees."

"But that's no fu -"

"SAY IT!"

"Fine, I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colours indicate that they are covered in bees. But I do believe my other question was pretty important."

"Oh and may I ask what that was?"

"What the hell is a Hufflepuff?"

"Sirius."

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

"Wh -" Remus chucked the tile-cleaning brush at Sirius's mouth.

"That's why."

* * *

I hope you guys enjoyed it, I'm hoping to be able to continue this through out the year, but since I just entered college, it might be difficult. I'm still trying to improve my writing skills, but they're somewhat lacking as of right now, so please stick around and don't give up hope.


	2. Number 12 and Number 95

Title: What Not to Do At Hogwarts

Author: Le Rouge du Sang

Summary: Rules are in place for a reason. These are no different. Learn what you are not allowed to do during your stay at Hogwarts. Follows various characters through short one-shots.

Rating: T, just in case I feel like swearing.

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter world is a product of the genius mind of J.K Rowling, who is, sadly, not me. The ideas for this are taken from /Demonic_angel/hogwarts [586 Things I'm Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts] Check it out. There's some pretty funny shit.

* * *

#12 **"Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept."**

#95 **"The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is 'You wanted to see me, Professor?' Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence.'"**

"Come and decide what happens!"

"Will he get attacked by a dragon?"

"Or will he taken away by Cornish pixies?"

"Have his memory erased?"

"Come and place your money on the fate of our Defense Against the Dark Arts professor!"

Fred and George were standing outside the Gryffindor common room; they had set up a stall in front to collect their earnings and the decided fates.

"This was a great idea!" Fred laughed while taking the sheet from Seamus.

"I don't know why we didn't think of this earlier?"

-ahem-

"Oh, hey there Granger!"

"Didn't almost didn't recognize you; without the – you know" Fred made motions referring to the fact that her hair had calmed considerably since last year.

"What are you two up to?"

"Honestly, Hermione, and I thought the only thing you couldn't do was draw," Ron pushed her aside. "1 galleon on him getting attacked by the whomping willow."

"Oh, mixing it up there, I see."

"Well, Ron Weasley doesn't put all him eggs in the same basket, so 1 more galleon on him getting taken by centaurs."

"…Ron, why would we take eggs?"

"No, Fred. I think he was referring to what is known as an 'expression.'"

"Oh? You mean like "Ron is a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here.'"

"Yes, exactly!"

"Will you two just shut it! I meant, what are you doing with the stall?"

"Well, see here, Granger. We, being the wise entrepreneurs that we are, decided that it was a good idea to run a betting pool on the fate of our dear Defense professor. After all, if the past is any indication, he only has a year before something happens." George walked around and put their arms around her shoulders and guided her away from the stall, winking at Fred.

Hermione moved his arm away, "George, if you get caught, you both will be in trouble. You might end up in detention."

"Psh. What detention?"

"Mr. Weasley. What a pleasant surprise. I was wondering when I'd get to see you in my office again." Professor McGonagall was standing behind George, peering at him over her spectacles.

"Ah, Minerva, we were wondering when you'd call us back. Well, we'll just close up shop and come see you."

"Told you."

"Shut it, Granger." George pushed her.

* * *

"Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept." Professor McGonagall had a clear look of disgust on her face.

"I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."

"Fred, I think this time she does." George pointed at the cases of money and paper behind her.

"Those were our earnings! We rightfully earned those, you can't take it!"

"Well, since you _were_ placing bets on the life of a teacher, perhaps I should use it to pay for the hospital bills."

"You can't do that!"

"At least tell us which one of the outcomes it was!" McGonagall stared at Fred.

"You're right, so we are returning it the children you conned."

"But then what are we supposed to do?" George wondered what evil plan she had in store for the two innocent Weasley twins.

"You can help Professor Snape with whatever he desires for the next week. Maybe then you will learn." She walked them out of her office and slammed the door in their face.

"Well, maybe we should bets on what Snape will make us do," George proposed.

* * *

Why, yes. Those were AVPM references. XD I couldn't help it. It's just so brilliant that I had to tie it in at some point. There's one in here as well.

I hope you enjoyed it. Please tell me how to improve my story; I am always looking for constructive critique.


	3. Number 177

Title: What Not to Do At Hogwarts

Author: Le Rouge du Sang

Summary: Rules are in place for a reason. These are no different. Learn what you are not allowed to do during your stay at Hogwarts. Follows various characters through short one-shots.

Rating: T, just in case I feel like swearing.

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter world is a product of the genius mind of J.K Rowling, who is, sadly, not me. The ideas for this are taken from [586 Things I'm Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts] Check it out. There's some pretty funny shit.

* * *

_-and then Draco ran his fingers through Harry's hair, "I love you" he panted._

…

_**Just playin'**_

* * *

177. **"If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling 'It does DEATH!' may be correct but is not the manner ****in which one should answer."**

Harry and Ron were sitting in Defense against the Dark Arts class; Hermione was situated in the row ahead of them.

"Why does she bother getting here early, not even the teacher comes early."

"_Because_, Ron, it allows me to make corrections on my paper without you breathing down my neck asking to copy it."

As she finished her speech, the classroom door opened.

"Ahem, sorry, got a bit – distracted," Mad-Eye Moody sauntered in, with his eye rolling around in his head, as usual.

"So, let's quickly get started! You! Finnegan!"

"Yes, sir?"

"Remind me, what is the 'Avada Kedavra' curse?"

"Um, excuse me?"

"WHAT IS IT?"

"I – um-"

"You! Longbottom" Neville's face went white.

"No? Does no one want to answer? Have all of you turned into women?"

"It does death!" All heads turned to look at Ron.

"Excuse me, Mr. Weasley? Did you say something?"

"I believe he said, and I quote, 'it does death.'" Seamus laughed from across the room.

Mad-Eye was, by this point, towering over Ron, "Mr. Weasley, although that _is_ the correct answer, I would ask that you phrase the sentence properly. Or have you forgotten how to do that?"

"Professor," Hermione shot Ron a look, causing him to shrink in his seat, "what Ron meant was that it is the killing curse."

"Thank you Miss Granger, for your proper use of the English language, perhaps you should teach Weasley here. – Finnegan! What did I tell you about the gum?"

* * *

I apologize for the delay and the shortness of it, but we have finals coming up which means that for the next two weeks, my brain will be oozing out of my ear.

A little dedication there for my little anonymous friend who commented about Draco/Harry [I know who you are, K-Ni].

Thank you, SlytherinPrincessxXx, samacajama, Gryffindor-Girl15 for your reviews of the first chapter. Love y'all.


	4. Number 29 and Number 30

Title: What Not to Do At Hogwarts

Author: Le Rouge du Sang

Summary: Rules are in place for a reason. These are no different. Learn what you are not allowed to do during your stay at Hogwarts. Follows various characters through short one-shots.

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter world is a product of the genius mind of J.K Rowling, who is, sadly, not me. The ideas for this are taken from [586 Things I'm Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts] Check it out. There's some pretty funny shit.

* * *

**29. "I do not weight the same as a duck."**

**30. "Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar."**

James and Sirius were sitting in the Gryffindor common room, staring lovingly at their friend, Remus.

"Whatever you guys are thinking of – stop right now." Without looking up from his paper, Remus shifted.

"But Remus – "

"No, James."

"You didn't even hear me out!"

"It just sounded like you were going to start about the flea collar again."

Sirius feigned surprise, "Now, why would _we_ want to ask something like that. It seems to me, since you were the one to mention it, that _you_ really want a flea collar."

"No. I do not."

"Yes, you do!"

"Why would I want a flea collar?"

"He just said it! He wants a flea collar!" Sirius pounced on Remus, pinning him to the ground.

Meanwhile, all the students in the common room paused to take a look at all the commotion.

"Sirius! Get off!" Remus kicked Sirius, taking him by surprise, "What have you been eating?"

James gasped, "Are you saying he's fat?"

"Moony, I am not fat! I am in perfect shape. In fact, I checked this morning, I weigh the same as a duck."

"…Exactly how big of a duck are we talking about?" Remus regretted his question as soon as the words left his mouth.

"Oh, man. He called you fat again."

* * *

"And that, my dear Madam Pomfrey , is how I ended up with this tail, Remus with those troll ears, and James with…well, he looks the same."

"Black, I did not look like a giraffe!"

"Are you sure? You don't look much different. Actually, I'd wager that you look better."

* * *

I am sorry it took so long and it seems ultra-crappy. I've had finals for the past week and a half, and now winter break has started, which is the main reason I was able to get another chapter out. This was for a friend who insisted I write more. Erm. Yeah.

So please, read and review!


	5. Number 3

Title: What Not to Do At Hogwarts

Author: Le Rouge du Sang

Summary: Rules are in place for a reason. These are no different. Learn what you are not allowed to do during your stay at Hogwarts. Follows various characters through short one-shots.

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter world is a product of the genius mind of J.K Rowling, who is, sadly, not me. The ideas for this are taken from [586 Things I'm Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts] Check it out. There's some pretty funny shit.

* * *

**3. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.**

The Gryffindor quidditch team was sitting in the locker room, getting ready for the game against Hufflepuff.

Oliver Wood stood up to start his one of his famous pep-talks.

"If he stands for more than four hours, should we call Madam Pomfrey?" Someone whispered, causing a round of giggles to erupt.

"Don't worry, he doesn't last long."

"Funny, I imagined him to be taller."

"You guys do know that this room has wonderful acoustics, enabling me to hear every word coming from your mouths," Oliver glared at the twins.

"Hey, it wasn't us!"

"Well it couldn't be us," Alicia pointed at the three girls in the room.

"Harry?"

"Nope, wouldn't dream of it."

"Then that leaves you two."

"We would _never_ stoop to such a low level as to make jokes about your name, Wood."

"Yeah, well, don't bother. I've heard every possible joke about my name."

"Have you really?" Fred grinned.

"Wood, we see your challenge and whole-heartedly accept," George got up and put his arms around Oliver's shoulders.

"But that wasn't—"

"So Wood, do you _always _stand so erect?"

"Fred…"

"It was a legitimate question, I swear!"

"If you fall in a forest, do you make a sound?"

"George, that doesn't even make sense."

"You'd like me to _think_ it didn't make any sense, when in fact, it made complete sense."

"What does that even mean?"

"Are you stiff in the morning?"

"For that last time, Fred –"

"I am serious. You should get it checked out; I've heard morning stiffness occurs with most guys, but still, you shouldn't take a chance."

"Fred, George. I did NOT challenge you to come with as many jokes as you can about my name."

"Yes, but –"

"Are you coming out or would you like to forfeit the match to Hufflepuff?" Professor McGonagall's head poked through the door to the locker room.

Immediately, the team ran to the field, Fred and George jogging alongside Oliver.

"Don't think we give up, Wood."

"For the last time! It wasn't a–"

"Captains, shake hands."

* * *

This was admittedly much more difficult that the last few, mainly because I could not think of where to take this story. I started off with an idea, but then I hit a road block with coming up with the actual situation in which to place this and how it should happen. The jokes/puns were a whole different ball game, it was just…ASDFKJ. Yeah. Exactly like that.

I apologize for this chapter; hopefully the next one will be better.


	6. Number 68

Title: What Not to Do At Hogwarts

Author: Le Rouge du Sang

Summary: Rules are in place for a reason. These are no different. Learn what you are not allowed to do during your stay at Hogwarts. Follows various characters through short one-shots.

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter world is a product of the genius mind of J.K Rowling, who is, sadly, not me. The ideas for this are taken from [586 Things I'm Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts] Check it out. There's some pretty funny shit.

* * *

**68. I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.**

"Teehee," giggles echoed through the halls of Hogwarts.

"Ow! Peeves! Stop that!" Students were running away from the source of the commotion.

"Never!" The friendly neighborhood poltergeist continued to throw whatever he could find at nearby students.

A few hours later and having been told off by Headmaster Dumbledore, Peeves was wandering through the halls.

"Well, looky here. I've found myself a pair of weasels."

"Oh, why hello there Peeves-"

"What have you been up to lately?"

"Nothing too dangerous –"

"Or damaging, we hope."

"Yeah, yeah. You're just a pair of good Samaritans."

"Well…yeah. We're just looking out for the good of the Hogwarts community."

"Out of the goodness of our hearts," Fred and George grinned.

"Whatever. I'm not going to ask you what you were doing outside the girls' lavatory, but I will ask you to do a favor."

"Anything for a fellow prankster. As for the girls' lavatory, that's a private matter between –"

"_Anyway_, I need you two to borrow a prefects' badge for me."

"Why?"

"And what's in it for me," Fred leaned against the door.

"I _need_ it. And I won't go in there and tell them you're thinking about sneaking in for a look-sie"

"You had us at hello,'" Fred moved so a certain bushy-haired Gryffindor could walk past.

"I never said 'hello.'"

"We'll do it, alright!" George was in a hurry to dodge Hermione's glares as she stood in front of the door, waiting for them to move.

"Honestly, Granger. It's not like there's anything we haven't seen before," the two took off before she had a chance to retaliate.

"So George, where's Perce?"

"Conveniently walking right in front of us, with Penelope."

"Hey there, my lovely brother and his lovelier girlfriend," Fred put his arms around their shoulders, "how are you this fine evening?"

"We _were _doing fine."

"That's great. Say – would you be willing to let us borrow your prefects' badge?"

"Why?"

"Now Perce –"

"Don't call me that!"

"George and I have a bet that you guys have this mermaid brought in from the lake that stays in your tub."

"No. I am not giving you my badge to fulfill your silly little games."

"Please? We'll stop bothering you for the rest of the year –"

"Wait, that's too much," Fred yanked on his twin's sleeve, "how about until Christmas?"

"Mr. Weasley? What is this that Peeves tells me? That you are bringing him a prefects' badge…" A stern voice came from behind Fred and George.

"Honestly, Perce –"

"You should stop talking to Peeves, he's such a bad influence," George finished.

Fred and George were about to run when McGonagall placed her hand on their shoulders.

"You should help clean up the mess in the girls' lavatory."

* * *

I apologize about this one, too. It was a bit rushed, but I wanted to get one out quickly. Honestly, I feel I could write this a little better, but maybe later I'll edit it.

Winter break will be over soon and then I'll be back at Hogw- college, and will hopefully be writing a little more.

Thank you to moonyorbfoot97 and Bumblesore for your reviews. I appreciate it!

[less than three] to the both of you.


	7. Number 18

Title: What Not to Do At Hogwarts

Author: Le Rouge du Sang

Summary: Rules are in place for a reason. These are no different. Learn what you are not allowed to do during your stay at Hogwarts. Follows various characters through short one-shots.

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter world is a product of the genius mind of J.K Rowling, who is, sadly, not me. The ideas for this are taken from [586 Things I'm Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts] Check it out. There's some pretty funny shit.

* * *

**18. I will not shave Mrs. Norris.**

James Potter and Sirius Black. Best friends, and soon to be in more trouble than imaginable.

"So what we do is, knock her out and then use the shaving cream…"

"And the razor, don't forget to pack the razor."

"James, I'm not an idiot, I already packed the – oh wait, here's the razor."

"Sirius, we have to have everything prepared, if something goes wrong, we'll be caught.

"Don't worry, Prongs, everything is taken care of. Now, do we know where she is?"

"Where's who?" A male voice came from behind Sirius.

"No one, Remus. Why would James be asking where his eye-candy is?"

"Padfoot! Don't call her that! Lily is _not _eye-candy. She's too sophisticated."

"Right, more like trophy –oi! Why'd you hit me?"

James glared at Sirius while the latter massaged his throbbing shoulder.

"Sirius, James, I'm serious. What are you guys planning? Please be careful. Remember what happened last time?"

"The last time…? Oh, you mean the rain of squid in the Great Hall? Yeah, that wasn't our fault. Filch is just too dense to realize 'don't pull this string' means 'do not pull the string.'" Sirius grinned.

"…You two better not be up to anything dangerous."

"Why would we be letting centaurs loose in the building? Now you're just being silly, Remus." James replied.

Remus left the two alone, shaking his head and mumbling about "the need to find new friends."

* * *

The duo was lurking in the shadows of Filch's office, waiting, waiting above the chamber door. Wait - wrong story.

Any moment now, Mrs. Norris would come slinking in, and sit in front of them, alerting Filch.

However, Filch was taken care of, through the use of a very elaborate scheme – miniature dragon replicas in the Great Hall.

As if on cue, the cat sneaked into the room and sat down, letting out soft meows. James quickly stunned her, allowing Sirius to spray on the shaving cream. The two continued and within minutes the usually hairy cat had become hairless.

Unfortunately, the diversion in the Great Hall had been solved by this point, allowing for a certain caretaker to return to his office just as the two Marauders were finishing up.

"M-Mrs. Norris?" His raspy voice was heard over the duo's silent giggles, causing the two to freeze on spot.

"What have you done to my cat? Answer me!"

"We thought she was in need of a makeover. You know, to attract the young male cats." Sirius pulled off his trademark grin.

"Yeah, you know, a little touch up, that kind of thing." James continued.

"So you shaved my cat?"

"Well…shave is an ugly word."

"More like trimmed."

"By removing all the hair?"

"Well, when you say it like that –"

"HOW ELSE DO I SAY IT? You shaved my cat! I'll have you both hung by your feet! Drawn and quartered!" Filch's face was turning red.

"Aw, come now, Filch-y. It's not that bad! Turn that frown upside down!" Sirius attempted to move towards Filch, only to be stopped by James, who shook his head.

* * *

"Wait, so what happened then?" Remus looked at the two, quizzically.

"Then? Filch told McGonagall, who in turn ordered us to serve Filch until his every need is fulfilled, such as carrying around Mrs. Norris, and caring for her as though she were our own child." Sirius frowned.

James was sitting next to him, giving the cat a manicure, "you should really care more about your daughter—kitten, Sirius, all the male cats have been after her lately. I've been worried."

"James. That's not our child."

* * *

Sorry! Hopefully, I've redeemed myself in a way that you can forgive me for taking so long and writing such a terrible one last time.

I enjoyed writing this, mostly because I always enjoy writing ones with the Marauders. I hope you guys enjoyed reading it as well.

And now, I leave you with the image of Sirius and James pampering Mrs. Norris [is there a Mr. Norris?]


	8. Number 184

Title: What Not to Do At Hogwarts

Author: Le Rouge du Sang

Summary: There are certain rules in place for a reason. These are no different. Learn what you are not allowed to do during your stay at Hogwarts. Follows various characters.

Rating: T

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter world is a product of the genius mind of J.K Rowling, who is, sadly, not me. The ideas for this are taken from [586 Things I'm Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts] Check it out. There's some pretty funny shit.

* * *

**Number 184 - I should not encourage the house-elves to unionize. **

"You all deserve to have wages and vacations. Health insurance wouldn't hurt either!" A certain Gryffindor stood in the middle of the kitchen, talking loudly with the house elves. Actually…yelling at the house elves.

"Did you want something to eat?"

"What? No! I am trying to help you poor creatures gain more respect in the magical world."

One of the females nearby replied, "Well, then you should eat more and then help. You look frail." She continued to work on stirring a pot.

"Ugh, none of you _know_ of the benefits of a union. I'll go talk to Professor McGonagall. Surely she'll support me and maybe even talk to Professor Dumbledore."

* * *

"You don't understand, Professor!"

"Miss Granger," Professor McGonagall turned around to stare at Hermione, "I'm afraid I do understand, and I believe that the stress of classes has gotten to you. Perhaps you should look into relaxing and taking a break."

"Professor, this a very serious topic, please don't joke –"

"Does it look like I am kidding, Miss Granger?"

"But –"

"This conversation is over, I suggest you go ahead and rest now, Miss Granger. I understand you have a Potions exam approaching."

And with that, Professor McGonagall left Hermione alone in the hall.

The next day, Harry and Ron found Hermione in front of the Great Hall with a large stack of papers.

"Um – Hermione, what's going on?"

"The House Elves -"

"Ugh. Not this again! Listen Hermione, no one cares about your S.P.E.W."

"Ron! People DO care about S.P.E.W. Not everyone is an emotionless jerk like you! Harry cares, right, Harry?"

Harry glanced at Ron, "Yes, Hermione, I do. But, um, what _exactly_ are you doing?"

"So glad you care Harry, nice to know I have a friend that actually has a heart. Well, I am trying to raise awareness for the advantages of a House Elf Union here at Hogwarts."

"Oh, that's great…I-I think I hear my name. Yes! I'll be right over Neville!" Harry ran off, leaving Ron to fend for himself.

"I'm hungry. Bye." Ron left, ever so graceful.

"Granger. What are you – No, never mind, I don't want to know. Whatever it is, it's boring or has something to do with that stupid organization of yours; what was it called, George? Started with an 'S'?"

"No clue," George held up one of the sheets in Hermione's hand, "'Help the house elves, Start a union.' What's a 'union'?"

"Who cares?" Fred put his arm over Hermione's shoulder, "Hermione, my dear, how about you let go of that house elf business and just chill. We have some wonderful products that might interest you. Have you ever thought about eternal sleep crepes? Sleep for hours; no guarantee on whether you'll wake up again or not, though."

"Perhaps you should listen to Mr. Weasley."

Hermione turned to see the head of Gryffindor.

"But –"

"Detention Miss Granger. Maybe now you'll think about studying for exams rather than some silly nonsense."

"Tough luck, Granger. Toodles."

The twins winked and walked after Professor McGonagall, trying to convince her that the giant squid was indeed a perfect date to the Yule Ball.

* * *

Sorry about this one, it was kinda just spur of the moment. I wanted to get something out since it's been so long. I apologize that it's not as funny - it's just...Hermione is a bit more serious (you have no idea that I just typed sirius instead of serious) that the males that I typically write about.

Regardless, I hope you enjoyed it. Now that my freshman year is over, I intend on continuing this. I'd like to thank my dear reviewers for their comments. Thanks guys! Sorry you had to wait so long.


	9. Number 127

Title: What Not to Do At Hogwarts

Author: Le Rouge du Sang

Summary: There are certain rules in place for a reason. These are no different. Learn what you are not allowed to do during your stay at Hogwarts. Follows various characters.

Rating: T

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter world is a product of the genius mind of J.K Rowling, who is, sadly, not me. The ideas for this are taken from [586 Things I'm Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts] Check it out. There's some pretty funny shit.

* * *

**127. I should not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever coughed up a hairball.**

Today was just like every other class day at Hogwarts. Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat in Transfiguration.

Professor McGonagall was teaching the students about animagi. Harry was curious about the subject, particularly after the events of the past involving Sirius and Peter.

"Due to the complexity of the magic involved in becoming an animagus, they have become very rare. An animagus can change into an animal whenever they want, without a wand or an incantation, and…"

Professor McGonagall was pacing the room as she spoke, looking at students as some took notes.

The last time she had to deal with questions involving animagi, the Marauders were at Hogwarts, and in an attempt to help their friend during his transformations, they illegally learned the ability.

Most people would not be able to master the ability of transforming themselves into an animal by will. In fact, it was rare in today's day. The skill only had a few practitioners, herself included.

The Ministry had required everyone to register, in an attempt to keep them from abusing their ability, however, few, like Rita Skeeter, still used it to their advantage.

McGonagall herself scouted out Harry's home while waiting for Dumbledore.

But regardless, this was perhaps something the children should know, for their own safety. To make sure they didn't decide to be idiots, try it, and then lose limbs.

Specifically a certain Mister Longbottom whose hand was in the air.

"Yes?"

"Professor, you're an animagus, right?

"Yes, Neville, why?"

"Um, a cat, correct?"

"Yes, Mr. Longbottom. Why do you ask?"

"Well – um, I was just – Professor, do you…" He trailed off, wondering where to go with this sentence. His eyes were lowered as he thought hard about how to ask the professor his question without having her give him detention.

"Out with it, Longbottom, we all have to be somewhere." Seamus poked Neville's back.

"Oh, Mr. Finnegan, the level of enthusiasm you show for my class is overwhelming. Continue Longbottom."

"Um, well Professor, I was just wondering. I mean, I've had to deal with cats before, so I was wondering, um… haveyouevercoughedupahairball?" His face appeared to literally turn as red as a tomato.

"Pardon me?"

"Um – have you…ever coughed up a…hair ball?"

The entire class burst into laughter. Professor McGonagall just stared blankly at Neville, who sank into his chair.

"I'm afraid, Mr. Longbottom, that some questions will never be answered. I hope you'll remember to show up for some quality time – helping Madam Pomfrey clean bed pans."

Never would he ask questions again.

* * *

Sorry it's really short. I've just lost all of the chapters I had written and any work I had saved due to my hard drive dying. I was an idiot and didn't backup anything. I'm slowly trying to remember which ones I had written, but unfortunately, I'm starting all of them from the beginning. Which means, it'll take me a while to get stuff updated. I apologize for the lack of quality and quantity in this. I've literally tried to get something out so that you have something to read and don't lose interest in this.


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